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Welcome to Be the Sunshinee!

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Black Out

I used to roll my eyes in irritation upon hearing the stories of ones “black out nights”

How stupid and irresponsible I’d think

There is nothing fun or impressive about drinking so much you lose control

You lose your memory

You lose yourself

During the pain of my first heartbreak alcohol became my Band-Aid 

 But the Band-Aid never stuck as I would cry it off each night

 As a Band-Aid does when you’ve taken a shower or washed your hands

 Clean

I just want to be clean

Fresh 

New

Healed

We threw a party in honor of our friends 23rd birthday

I stood in the bathroom staring back at my reflection

 Not recognizing the person staring back at me 

I did not know her

She was not familiar 

 She wasn’t the girl rolling her eyes in irritation upon hearing the stories of ones “black out nights”

She was having her own black out night 

 She just didn’t know it yet 

She left the bathroom, tired

 Ready to go to sleep

She took a sharp right turn and laid her body on the bed of the hostess

Alone 

 Black 

Until it wasn’t black anymore

 It was morning

The birds were chirping

The sun was shining through the window as if it was saying “good morning little girl, it’s time to rise now”

I began to emerge from my black, slowly

 Until I was frozen in the bed, staring at this unknown object lying beside me

Unknown man

“Where did he come from?” I thought

“Why is he here?”

 And then I noticed the uneven temperature of my body

My lace panties and cut off jean shorts I had been wearing the night before

Missing

Removed, without my permission 

Flung across the floor like confetti

 I was not okay

 I quickly gathered my things, held back my tears, and went back to the bathroom

 I stood in the bathroom staring back at my reflection

Not recognizing the person staring back at me 

 I did not know her

 She was not familiar 

She was changed 

 Scared

Victimized 

 She had had her own black out story, and this one reminded her why she’s always been terrified of the dark.

The Last Letter to my First Love Story

Becoming Strangers