(originally posted 9 Sept 2017)
I’m sitting here in Indiana on the couch in my parents living room. Pay sits to my right and we’re watching “Out-daughtered” on TLC. My dad sits to my left working on some late night homework. Mom’s asleep in her bedroom, Nate’s playing Destiny 2 in his bedroom, and Tal made it back to her home in Ohio a few hours ago.
A few weeks back I was talking on the phone with my mom and Pay and I remember talking about Christmas. I’ve gone “home”for Christmas every year, and this year I’ll be staying “home”… as in my own home…. as in Texas for the first time in my entire life. Strange right… having two homes.
Some may not think it’s really that strange at all, but all my life I’ve felt like I have never had a real “home”.
The definition of home is “the place where one lives permanently, especially as a member of a family or household”.
I have never lived anywhere permanently but I’ve always been apart of a family (probably the best family on the planet tbh) and every house we’ve lived in has always felt like home. But I’ve never ever felt like I had a place to call home.
Being in the military, the number 1 question I get asked by patients, co workers, or other military members is “where are you from?” or “so, where’s home?” and let me tell you, i freakin HATE that question. My automatic response is, “I grew up in the military, so I’m kinda from all over”. I don’t like explaining myself or my situation and the question sometimes makes me a little sad.
One of my daydreams when I was younger was wondering what it would’ve been like if I grew up in the same town, in the same house, with all the same people from kindergarten to senior year of highschool. And even though I would never trade the life I’ve been blessed with for anything in the world, I sometimes get jealous of those who have a permanent place to call home.
Like I said earlier, I’m “home” in Indiana (a place I’ve never actually lived, only visited) and I’ve been so excited to get to spend the weekend with my family. But I’ve also been dreading it a little bit because I am dreading the “see ya later”. Like I also said earlier, I’m not coming “home” for Christmas this year (which my mom and sister are still in denial about). I have been so so fortunate for how often I’ve been able to see my family this year. I was home at the every end of last year for Christmas, and then in March, again in June, July, and now September! And each time the “see you laters” haven’t been too difficult because we’ve always had a countdown to our next visit. But this time, I have no clue when I’ll see my family again. It’s honestly gonna probably be at least 3 months and we have no future visits set in stone. Which breaks my heart because family is so important to me and my family and I are all so close. So I know Sunday’s “see you later” is gonna be a rough one.
It happened Thursday night when I was standing in the stands singing my voice away at the Ed Sheeran concert when it just hit me… a voice spoke to my heart and said, “Girl, what do you mean you don’t have a home?! You have a home EVERYWHERE!” Now, let me explain.
All my life if I had to pick one place to call “home” it would hands down be good ol’ Doniphan, Nebraska. My absolute favorite place on earth. But I’ve realized I’ve got a home wherever my parents live because my family is home. I’ve got a home back in Texas with Andrew because sometimes home is two eyes and a heartbeat. I’ve got home wherever and whenever I’m with Tal because there isn’t a person on this planet that I click with more than her. I feel like I’ve got a home when I’m with Andrew’s family because they’ve always treated me like one of their own since day one, their welcom-ness is home. The very first tattoo I ever got was for my 18th birthday and I got a quote tattoo on my ribs that says, “Home is where the heart is”. I’ve got a home where ever I am, because home is in the heart. I know what the definition of “home” is but I disagree. For me, home is a feeling. Home is people. Home is love. Home is laughter. Home is where you are the happiest. Home is where you experience yourself in some of your most vulnerable states but it’s also the place where you feel the safest. Home is your safe zone, wherever that may be. Home is where your soul feels at peace. Home is where you feel the most you. Home isn’t just where one lives permanently, you make home. And you take home with you where ever you go. I am home. The earth is my home.
From now on, whenever I get asked where I’m from or where is home, my answer will be simple. “Everywhere.”
Disclaimer: I stated earlier that I probably have the best family on the planet. I feel like if I’m going to make a claim that big then I better back it up. For a little preview “sneak-peak” into what it’s like in the MFE household click HERE. I promise, you won’t regret it!